The past few months have been harder than usual for me. I’ve felt like I’ve been in losing battle, which has led me to an unusual low and an overwhelming feeling of despair and depression. I’ve always been an emotional eater, so I gained weight, which added to my depression. So I stopped running and gained even more weight – more depressed. My husband’s usually gone four months at a time, but we found out while he was almost due home, that he was going to be gone an additional two months this time – yup – more depressed. It seems every time we would have showings for the house; we would get our hopes up that this was THE family to buy our home and get us on our new adventure that we felt God had led us to… and then nothing would come from the showing – even more depressed. People would ask me if we’ve sold the house yet and I would almost have an anxiety attack telling them, “No”, because I’d almost sense a questioning of our motives, as if we misheard God – could I possibly be more depressed!?! So yeah – I guess you could say that I’ve been depressed and because of that, I’ve felt I couldn’t possibly write a blog; I’m too far in the pit of despair to share an encouraging word with myself, let alone anyone who would read my blog [and I’m not even sure anyone reads my blog, so why am I writing and paying for a website that no one even knows about – oh yeah, I’ve really gone down the rabbit hole on this self pity party thing – more depressed].
I don’t like to let anyone know when I’m struggling either [I begin to internally rationalize that my husband has so much to deal with where he is, that I wouldn’t dream of worrying him about me – I mean after all, I am in menopause, so my hormones are all over the place anyways]. I have many friends, but no one that I really confide anything in, [I mean, most of my friends have their own stuff to deal with, so why would I want to burden them with what I’m going through, besides my issues aren’t really big anyways, I should just be able to ‘suck it up’ and deal with it – right?!?]. I have no problem, scrolling through Facebook or even talking to a friend who is going through a difficult situation and pray with them and give them a scripture or word of encouragement; yet, I so seldom ask anyone to pray for me [I honestly don’t know if that’s me being prideful or just feeling that whatever I’m dealing with is incidental compared to everyone else].
Did I mention I’m a major procrastinator? I will put off something that intimidates me, maybe it’s because I can tend to be an introvert, especially around people I don’t know – so sometimes even making phone calls can send me into an anxiety attack [thus why most of my incoming phone calls go straight to voicemail]. The only good thing about my procrastination is that I will seriously kick myself into gear when it’s the deadline to do something – it’s like an adrenaline push. So when it finally came down to a couple of weeks before my husband comes home, I decided to ‘kick my depression’ to the curb and actually do something about it! I decided I would eat healthier and exercise [I wished I was brave enough to battle the heat and humidity and run outside, or even face my fears and go to the gym and run on the treadmill – but in all these instances, people might see me and I’m not that confident – just yet]. I have been good, I’ve lost 6 lbs [not exactly the 20 lbs I need to lose, but hey, I’m getting there – after all I do have metabolic syndrome plus DNA that literally resists weight loss – so I can do this with hard work and determination]. Even though I’m not where I want to be, I feel like I can stay focused now – so what does that mean, am I not depressed anymore? Heck no, I’m just not going to let ‘it’ control me anymore!
One of the biggest ways I’ve learned to get through this depression, is to admit that it’s happening – it’s not who I am, it doesn’t define me – but it is something I am dealing with. The single most important way I’ve found to deal with depression is to turn to God, not run further away from Him. It’s easier for us to turn away from God when we sin or feel unworthy, but that’s the worst thing we could possibly do – God already knows what we’ve done, there’s nothing we can ever do that would make Him love us any less [nor love us any more]. I’ve also made a point to stay in the Word of God, stay in church, praying, serving, volunteering and especially worshipping God – because there is nothing like lifting your hands to worship God when you feel like your heart is so heavy that you can’t even smile.
This is the song that has been my heart’s cry and my heart’s promise, that no matter what, it is well.
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