I can’t write some pretty or even deep evaluation of my circumstances – because it’s so raw and painful. What’s worse is that it’s my own fault and even though I’ve had the realization that God still loves me – I know that doesn’t mean He’s going to rescue me when I want Him to. It’s no different than a parent giving their child tough love. This is breaking my heart – knowing I did this to myself – but God is still good. He doesn’t inflict pain – He just allows His purpose to take the shape of whatever we need to learn and move forward.
I know that God loves me, I know that He has a plan for me. I know He is the God of mercy and grace, but I also know I have failed Him. It feels wrong to ask Him for forgiveness, it feels wrong to ask Him to cover me again in the blood of His Son! How does one love God and then live like they don’t? My heart is so heavy and broken, I can’t stop crying, it’s so overwhelming when you are painfully aware of how your own selfishness has caused the very desolation and hopelessness that could have been prevented!
Obviously I’m not writing to encourage you of my own misery. I’m writing to say that even through all of my heartache – even when I can’t see an answer or even God’s light – I know He’s there. Even if my worst fears come to fruition, I know He will still be there, loving me, and showing me that His plans are still for my good – even if I can’t see it yet.